I didn't plan on writing a blog today but I'd figure I let people know how I'm feeling so you all can get a true understanding of what my real experiences are here. So I'm gonna write this as if I was writing in a diary.
Well right now, I'm just feeling out of it. I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point. I'm tired of being here and ready to be back in a familiar place. I feel so isolated in this little room. I don't know if I feel like this on Mondays or what makes me feel this way. But on Mondays I'm in room all day doing homework and laying down. Then I walk to the bus stop at 6 to go to my 6:30 class and by that time it's already dark. So I'm at school for 3 hours then right on back home to my little room to go to sleep. That's been my Monday for a month and it's really getting to me. I need to change how my day goes or I will go crazy being here. It's like I'm getting tired of repetition and doing everything the same everyday. I also feel like I can't go anywhere or don't want to because it's not so safe, so I'm stuck in the house all day. I wish I had my car so I could go places, and for free. I'm tired of paying for everywhere I go. Spanish is overwhelming at times. The workload is becoming horrendous. It's so much and I feel like I'm so drained and exhausted all the time. I'm getting tired of the food here too. I miss American food. Sometimes I'm hungry but I get upset because I'm like "huhhhh i don't want this food though". I feel like an outsider because I like to be in my room and have alone time but I always hear the other student and the family talking (in spanish) and laughing in the kitchen a lot. And they don't really talk much with me, or even come in the kitchen often, when I'm in there. Maybe it's because I don't speak as good Spanish as the other exchange student. Either way, I feel uncomfortable sometimes so I go to room, then the chain affect, feeling lonely and isolated kicks in. It's quite a cycle.
Also lately, I've been thinking about the pros and cons, moreso the cons of being here. I know some of the things I think aren't true or I shouldn't be worrying about, but I am. Right now, I feel like being here has only caused me more stress when thinking about my business back at home. It's kind of hard to see where being on this trip is benefiting me. Studying abroad has caused me to not know where I will live when I get back to school and to not have a set job for the summer. I've been stressing about where I will stay and where I will work the next summer. I can't really talk on the phone because of my phone plan. Maybe this experience is to teach me to trust God more and to build patience by going through these trials. I keep trying to stay positive thinking about how much I will have grown after this experience. It's quite a challenge at times. I look forward to some things I have planned here on the weekends and it helps me get through the week but when I think about when I leave for good, it seems like forever. I wish December would come on.
It helps when I can talk to my boyfriend, though. I don't think he knows how much it helps to facetime him at night. It just gives me a taste of home. My mom goes to sleep a little early so it helps that I can facetime my boyfriend after I get back home from a long frustrating day. It really affects me when I have to go a few days and not facetime my boyfriend or my mom. It kind of puts me in a slump. It's always refreshing to talk to them. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry when my mom gets here mid-December. I miss her so much and I'm going to be so happy to see her. I can't wait to hug my mom again. My mom and boyfriend are the only people I have been talking to on a regular basis and it really has been helping me get through these times. They have definitely been my backbone. It's nice to get encouraging messages from them that helps me to keep pushing.
Well I should go to bed now since I have class at 8am smh. That means I have to wake up in about 6 hours :(. Night night!
Well right now, I'm just feeling out of it. I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point. I'm tired of being here and ready to be back in a familiar place. I feel so isolated in this little room. I don't know if I feel like this on Mondays or what makes me feel this way. But on Mondays I'm in room all day doing homework and laying down. Then I walk to the bus stop at 6 to go to my 6:30 class and by that time it's already dark. So I'm at school for 3 hours then right on back home to my little room to go to sleep. That's been my Monday for a month and it's really getting to me. I need to change how my day goes or I will go crazy being here. It's like I'm getting tired of repetition and doing everything the same everyday. I also feel like I can't go anywhere or don't want to because it's not so safe, so I'm stuck in the house all day. I wish I had my car so I could go places, and for free. I'm tired of paying for everywhere I go. Spanish is overwhelming at times. The workload is becoming horrendous. It's so much and I feel like I'm so drained and exhausted all the time. I'm getting tired of the food here too. I miss American food. Sometimes I'm hungry but I get upset because I'm like "huhhhh i don't want this food though". I feel like an outsider because I like to be in my room and have alone time but I always hear the other student and the family talking (in spanish) and laughing in the kitchen a lot. And they don't really talk much with me, or even come in the kitchen often, when I'm in there. Maybe it's because I don't speak as good Spanish as the other exchange student. Either way, I feel uncomfortable sometimes so I go to room, then the chain affect, feeling lonely and isolated kicks in. It's quite a cycle.
Also lately, I've been thinking about the pros and cons, moreso the cons of being here. I know some of the things I think aren't true or I shouldn't be worrying about, but I am. Right now, I feel like being here has only caused me more stress when thinking about my business back at home. It's kind of hard to see where being on this trip is benefiting me. Studying abroad has caused me to not know where I will live when I get back to school and to not have a set job for the summer. I've been stressing about where I will stay and where I will work the next summer. I can't really talk on the phone because of my phone plan. Maybe this experience is to teach me to trust God more and to build patience by going through these trials. I keep trying to stay positive thinking about how much I will have grown after this experience. It's quite a challenge at times. I look forward to some things I have planned here on the weekends and it helps me get through the week but when I think about when I leave for good, it seems like forever. I wish December would come on.
It helps when I can talk to my boyfriend, though. I don't think he knows how much it helps to facetime him at night. It just gives me a taste of home. My mom goes to sleep a little early so it helps that I can facetime my boyfriend after I get back home from a long frustrating day. It really affects me when I have to go a few days and not facetime my boyfriend or my mom. It kind of puts me in a slump. It's always refreshing to talk to them. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry when my mom gets here mid-December. I miss her so much and I'm going to be so happy to see her. I can't wait to hug my mom again. My mom and boyfriend are the only people I have been talking to on a regular basis and it really has been helping me get through these times. They have definitely been my backbone. It's nice to get encouraging messages from them that helps me to keep pushing.
Well I should go to bed now since I have class at 8am smh. That means I have to wake up in about 6 hours :(. Night night!